Bugs Are Evil...

Not that I was ever in love with them before, but now, I seriously, truly, hate them. With every ounce of my being and all that is SG, I HATE a bug. I hate them so much that I no longer wonder why kids used to watch ants burn under a magnifying glass. I used to say, "Awww, kid, you should love all of God's creatures, great and small." I would now cheer said kid on with "Die you little fuckers, DIE damn you!"

But this is not a tribute to my troubles with ants, I will recall those less than enjoyable encounters at a later date.

So...earlier today I'm driving...taking the kids to their father's so they could go hang out on the Lake and watch fireworks...driving...minding my own business...all the windows are down of course, because I have no air...driving....I get to a stop sign right down the street from his house. Because I am a law abiding citizen of course, I come to a complete stop at the stop sign before I make my right turn...ok that's a lie, but I'm ROLLING to a stop..looking to the left, right, left again, and I'm making my turn. I'm on the gas slightly now, making my turn and looking to the right.

What do I see coming at me through the passenger window? I don't know, but it's some kinda bug, and coming fast, the little flying fucker is coming right at me!! I, of course, have both hands on the wheel at that point, but I instinctively put up my right hand to shoo away the fly, flying beetle or whatever it was. Nah, this little, no, HUGE ass BEE, WASP, I don't know I wasn't trying to look it in the eyes, ATTACKS me!! "BZZZZZZZZZ" ...I'm screaming, "AAAAAGGGHHHH"!! I have NO hands on the wheel now, the kids are screaming because I'm screaming, no one knows what the hell is going on. Chaos has erupted in the Purple Baby Mama Dodge Grand Crappyvan. Anyway, this damn thing feels like it hit my ear going 100 miles an hour, "BZZZZZZZZZ"...I'm DYING it hurts so bad. At this point I'm thinking the pain is just from the impact. It was too big to have flown directly into my ear canal, thank goodness!! Luckily enough I had enough presence of mind to stand on the brake with both feet because I was no longer looking where I was going. So instead of hitting this old Lady's mailbox, I managed to stop about 3 feet shy. "BZZZZZZZZZ" It's still on me!! I'm slapping the absolute SHIT out of the right side of my head trying to get this thing off of me. "AAAAAAGGGGGHHH!" I slapped myself SO hard, SO many times, that I knocked out both diamond studs in my right earlobe AND the tiny gold hoop that I had in the top of my ear. The bug is gone now, but I still slapped myself about 6 more times, just to be sure.

I'm holding my ear, wanting to cry from the pain. "What in the world WAS that?" I keep asking myself. "What the hell did it DO to me?!?" The kids are asking, "Mom what happened?" Mommom, are you ok?" "Mommom, are you allright?"

"I'm ok babies, something just flew in the window and I think it stung me in the ear."

I hear Damaris in her tiny voice, "Do we need to dial 911?"

"No babydoll, it's not an emergency, 911 is only for emergencies." I love my babies, they're so smart.

"Well do you need to go to the hospital? Or we can just go to daddy's house and he can put some "alacholl" on it", from Donovan.

Damani says, "Are you sure you're ok, your face sure doesn't look like it." I don't answer her. My ear is burning, hot, like someone took a match to it, and now I'm wondering what exactly my face DOES look like.

Damani whispers to Donovan, "If something stings you in the ear, does that mean you can't HEAR anymore?" He whispers back, "I don't know." She then asks me loudly, "Mommommmmm, can you still HEARRRRRRR?"

I'm looking in the rearview mirror trying to determine if the damn thing possiby chewed my earlobe off since it feels like it hurts worse than it should. I don't answer her. She says, "Oh No, Mommy can't HEAR!" I look back and see Damaris (my sensitive one), her eyes are starting to water, she's scared for me.

I say to Damani, "I can hear you fine baby, it just hurts really, really badly."

So I figure the best thing to do is to go on and drop them off, the longer I sit there in the middle of the road, the longer they are going to ask me questions and the longer I will have to TALK instead of nursing my assaulted ear. Maybe after they're gone I can even cry on the way home. So, I turn the steering wheel, ease on the gas and proceed down the street. We're pretty much crawling down the street, cause my ear hurts REALLY badly, I'm driving with my left hand, trying my damndest not to cry, trying to look at the road, still trying to look at my ear in the rearview, and trying to answer a zillion questions.

Halfway there, I think I'm about to pass out, this is EXCRUCIATING. Why does it still hurt dammit! If seems to be hurting MORE instead of subsiding. I spot my cup of ice sitting in the cup holder. My Ice!!. Maybe if I put some ice on it, it will feel better? I look in the rearview again and see that my earlobe and the cartilage(?) leading into my ear canal has swollen and is now twice it's normal size. Looking again, I can see that my entire ear now seems to be sticking out from the side of my head (moreso than usual I mean.)

I'm freaking out. Wait, WTF!?! Now I'm seeing a welt rise along my jawline. Did I do that when I bitchslapped myself 82 times? ?? No, it itches. Is this an allergic reaction?? Aaagh!! I gotta do something. So I look at my cup of ice again (this is very big for me, I'm very partial to my ice, to have to waste it on my ear causes me even more distress). Finally I decide the amount of pain I was going through pretty much outweighed the small comfort I would have gotten from ice crunching. I grab a napkin out of the glovebox and scoop out a piece of ice, pausing only briefly to look at it and lament that it will no longer be eatable. Putting the ice to my ear, the thing still hurts, doesn't feel any better. I remind myself that this is mainly to keep the swelling down and will eventually, hopefully, numb the pain.

I finally get to the house and pull up in the driveway, kiss the kids goodbye. "HOPE YOUR EAR FEELS BETTER MOMMOM", Damani pretty much yells this as she's getting out. I guess she still thinks I can't hear.

As the kids go in the front door, their dad comes outside and sees me holding the ice and napkin to my ear. "What happened to you, did somebody bust you in the side of your head or something?, he smirks.

"No, something stung me, thank you for asking." He starts to turn and walk away, I say "Wait" and as he makes it back to the van, I reach over to the passenger seat and grab some papers and hand them to him.

"What's this?" he asks. Mind you, I've already put the van in reverse and I'm backing out of the driveway. Once I get a safe distance I answer, "You've been served." He stands there in the driveway with his jaw dropped.

I couldn't resist the last parting shot. "Dang, what's wrong, did someone bust you in your JAW or something?"

Nakena then exits stage right and hauls ass up the street.

Moral of the story...Bugs are evil and so are Ex'es...

I Hate 'Em, Hate 'Em, Hate 'Em!!

Management at Crapshinola Villages, where I live, has decided to renovate the entire complex. It's about darn time, and long overdue! So I was excited for a minute, even though I'm about to move shortly.

Well, I was excited, didn't mind all the hammering and bumping and contractors peeping between my raggedy blinds until I saw this on my ceiling last night....

Imagine sitting there, typing on your little laptop, minding your own damn business, and something, that little voice you ignore half the time, just tells you to look up. You look up and see this f***** on the ceiling above your head.

W...T...F!!??!!??!?!?!?!?

So I'm scrambling, trying to figure out what this thing is, what it's going to do to me if it falls on me, if it doesn't fall on me but lands in my bed, how the heck am I going to find it because the bed is messy, etc...etc...

*Lightbulb* (and it's flashing too!)

"Dooonooooooooovaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!"

He comes running into the room.

"Donovan! Kill that bug!" (Wattage dims a little after that...) Donovan cranes his neck, looks at the bug and then looks back at me and says nothing. Classic. He has that "Are you kiddin me?" look on his face that he learned from moi. I'm actually proud, he's got it down pat....

...back to the creature on my ceiling...in case you forgot what it looks like...here is another picture from...Wikipedia this time, I think.,

You just said WTF! didn't you? I know you did.

Anyhow, Damaris comes into the room and starts screeching, rubbing her arms, and running in place (that's my kid), she's got her best "that's so grody" face on. Again, compliments of Mama QT.

The calm one, Damani, comes in to see what's going on and all she says is "Eeew, want me to get the bug spray?"

Now I see lightbulb's over Donovan and Damaris' head as well, we're ALL clued in now. We're gonna drown this sucker (and therefore our own lungs as well) with Raid ANT KILLER!! (It's all I had ).

I send Damani on her mission while me and the other kids gaurd the interloper who by now has gotten very twitchy with the antennae.

"Oh, crap, he's about to run! Donovan don't you repeat that word! Daaaaaaamaaaaaannnnnniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, HURRY UPPPPP!"

I hear her knocking over everything under the kitchen sink in the desperate hunt for Ant spray. She huffs back into my bedroom and hands it to me.

Ok...now what to do? The THING is right on the ceiling over my bed.

1. If I spray it where it is, I'm going to have Ant spray all over my bed. Not happening.
2. I can't reach it to squish it with a shoe, I would have to get the stool and put it on the bed, balance it enough to stand on which would then put me up too high and I'd have to hunch over, all the while being way too close to the nasty beast which could then use the opportunity to shoot nasty beast venom into my eyes or whatever it is that they do.
3. I could reach for an envelope from the stack of bank statements which I never open and use it to "flick" the creature from the ceiling to....ok, scrap that, nowhere to flick it but onto the kids, and they saw it comin, they'd all moved to the doorway by then. They know me.

TWO LIGHTBULBS!!

I decide to turn the ceiling fan on, maybe the breeze would cause the little shit to scurry away to a point that is not directly over my bed. I stand up slowly, in case sudden moves make it go into attack mode and reach up and pull the cord three times for High mode.

It works! The little nasty antennae are working like mad and the filthy varmint decides to relocate. Damaris starts screeching again.

This f***** is FAST. "Shhhhhh!!!! Maris! I need to concentrate!!!"

The thing hightails it all the way down to the other end of the ceiling, just at the end of my sleigh bed, near the far upper-right corner of the window.

Ok, now we tawlkin. I breathe a little easier. Now if I spray it, at least it won't be right over my bed. Kewl beeeens.

I tell the kids to go into the living room since my daughter has asthma, climbed back in the bed and "creep-walked" over as close as I felt was safe. Stood up straight and then let loose on that motherf***** with everything that was left in that can. I sprayed for a full 30 seconds at the very least. The thing drops to the carpet and amazingly is still quite fast, scurrying, trying to get the hell up outta Crapshinolaville. I'm straight stalking, watching it now crawl across the carpet a little more slowly, but still faster than I would like. "Yeah b****, you picked the wrong apartment to come up in today, b****, what?, what?" I'm bucking up at the thing like it's as big as I am, and I hear my son laughing hysterically at me because the bug made it all the way to the doorway so the kids could witness it's demise as well as my "Don't f*** wit me, I'm a Killa" dance.

So now it's dead. At least I think it is, it's still twitching a bit, but I think that's natural. It's either dead, or really high.

I don't want to touch it. I look at Donovan. He says, "No way mommom, no...way..."

"Well, go get me a napkin then, jeez."

He comes back with a paper towel, and I realize how thin one paper towel really is. I didn't buy Scott's last time, bought the Southern Comfort brand. (Southern Comfort = Cheap ass paper towel)

"Uhh, go get me another please. Matter of fact, bring me two."

He comes back with them and I fold them up nice and neatly into a square big enough that I don't see the creature get squished when I pick it up. Squishing is my final assurance that it's dead, just like any other bug. "Just 'cause I haven't seen the likes of you before doesn't mean you get special treatment, you nasty...." Cut myself off, kids are still standing there.

So I pick it up and squish it, "Squish"...I can just imagine the million legs breaking apart like filament and mixing in with it's gooshy, nasty insides.

Donovan: "Yuk."
Damani: "Eeew."
Damaris: "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!"

They all then followed me to the trash can where I unceremoniously stuffed the nasty, squished-vermin laden paper towel into a used ziploc bag already in the trash. Just in case he decided to resurrect himself, I had it covered. **I notice how I associated "squished-vermin" with "he", completely unintentional. Promise.**

I did some research today and found out that the nasty ass, now dead bug that taunted me from my ceiling is called a House Centipede.

What's really crappy is that if there are more of them and they decide not to traipse around on my ceiling, they will blend right in to my carpet because of their color. The crappiest of crappy things is that apparently they feed on bedbugs, termites, cockroaches, silverfish and spiders. That means, that as LONG and as FAT and as GOOSHY-JUICY as this bug was before I SQUISHED it, I must have one, all or any combination of the above vermin in my apartment. But, WTF?? It won't eat Ants??? As nasty as that thing looks, it won't eat ants?? Ugly, nasty, goodfernuthin Uggghhh!

And it's supposed to be a helpful housepest? I think friggin NOT.

And just so you sleep well tonight, one more for the road, just don't think of bug-guts.......