Not that I was ever in love with them before, but now, I seriously, truly, hate them. With every ounce of my being and all that is SG, I HATE a bug. I hate them so much that I no longer wonder why kids used to watch ants burn under a magnifying glass. I used to say, "Awww, kid, you should love all of God's creatures, great and small." I would now cheer said kid on with "Die you little fuckers, DIE damn you!"
But this is not a tribute to my troubles with ants, I will recall those less than enjoyable encounters at a later date.
So...earlier today I'm driving...taking the kids to their father's so they could go hang out on the Lake and watch fireworks...driving...minding my own business...all the windows are down of course, because I have no air...driving....I get to a stop sign right down the street from his house. Because I am a law abiding citizen of course, I come to a complete stop at the stop sign before I make my right turn...ok that's a lie, but I'm ROLLING to a stop..looking to the left, right, left again, and I'm making my turn. I'm on the gas slightly now, making my turn and looking to the right.
What do I see coming at me through the passenger window? I don't know, but it's some kinda bug, and coming fast, the little flying fucker is coming right at me!! I, of course, have both hands on the wheel at that point, but I instinctively put up my right hand to shoo away the fly, flying beetle or whatever it was. Nah, this little, no, HUGE ass BEE, WASP, I don't know I wasn't trying to look it in the eyes, ATTACKS me!! "BZZZZZZZZZ" ...I'm screaming, "AAAAAGGGHHHH"!! I have NO hands on the wheel now, the kids are screaming because I'm screaming, no one knows what the hell is going on. Chaos has erupted in the Purple Baby Mama Dodge Grand Crappyvan. Anyway, this damn thing feels like it hit my ear going 100 miles an hour, "BZZZZZZZZZ"...I'm DYING it hurts so bad. At this point I'm thinking the pain is just from the impact. It was too big to have flown directly into my ear canal, thank goodness!! Luckily enough I had enough presence of mind to stand on the brake with both feet because I was no longer looking where I was going. So instead of hitting this old Lady's mailbox, I managed to stop about 3 feet shy. "BZZZZZZZZZ" It's still on me!! I'm slapping the absolute SHIT out of the right side of my head trying to get this thing off of me. "AAAAAAGGGGGHHH!" I slapped myself SO hard, SO many times, that I knocked out both diamond studs in my right earlobe AND the tiny gold hoop that I had in the top of my ear. The bug is gone now, but I still slapped myself about 6 more times, just to be sure.
I'm holding my ear, wanting to cry from the pain. "What in the world WAS that?" I keep asking myself. "What the hell did it DO to me?!?" The kids are asking, "Mom what happened?" Mommom, are you ok?" "Mommom, are you allright?"
"I'm ok babies, something just flew in the window and I think it stung me in the ear."
I hear Damaris in her tiny voice, "Do we need to dial 911?"
"No babydoll, it's not an emergency, 911 is only for emergencies." I love my babies, they're so smart.
"Well do you need to go to the hospital? Or we can just go to daddy's house and he can put some "alacholl" on it", from Donovan.
Damani says, "Are you sure you're ok, your face sure doesn't look like it." I don't answer her. My ear is burning, hot, like someone took a match to it, and now I'm wondering what exactly my face DOES look like.
Damani whispers to Donovan, "If something stings you in the ear, does that mean you can't HEAR anymore?" He whispers back, "I don't know." She then asks me loudly, "Mommommmmm, can you still HEARRRRRRR?"
I'm looking in the rearview mirror trying to determine if the damn thing possiby chewed my earlobe off since it feels like it hurts worse than it should. I don't answer her. She says, "Oh No, Mommy can't HEAR!" I look back and see Damaris (my sensitive one), her eyes are starting to water, she's scared for me.
I say to Damani, "I can hear you fine baby, it just hurts really, really badly."
So I figure the best thing to do is to go on and drop them off, the longer I sit there in the middle of the road, the longer they are going to ask me questions and the longer I will have to TALK instead of nursing my assaulted ear. Maybe after they're gone I can even cry on the way home. So, I turn the steering wheel, ease on the gas and proceed down the street. We're pretty much crawling down the street, cause my ear hurts REALLY badly, I'm driving with my left hand, trying my damndest not to cry, trying to look at the road, still trying to look at my ear in the rearview, and trying to answer a zillion questions.
Halfway there, I think I'm about to pass out, this is EXCRUCIATING. Why does it still hurt dammit! If seems to be hurting MORE instead of subsiding. I spot my cup of ice sitting in the cup holder. My Ice!!. Maybe if I put some ice on it, it will feel better? I look in the rearview again and see that my earlobe and the cartilage(?) leading into my ear canal has swollen and is now twice it's normal size. Looking again, I can see that my entire ear now seems to be sticking out from the side of my head (moreso than usual I mean.)
I'm freaking out. Wait, WTF!?! Now I'm seeing a welt rise along my jawline. Did I do that when I bitchslapped myself 82 times? ?? No, it itches. Is this an allergic reaction?? Aaagh!! I gotta do something. So I look at my cup of ice again (this is very big for me, I'm very partial to my ice, to have to waste it on my ear causes me even more distress). Finally I decide the amount of pain I was going through pretty much outweighed the small comfort I would have gotten from ice crunching. I grab a napkin out of the glovebox and scoop out a piece of ice, pausing only briefly to look at it and lament that it will no longer be eatable. Putting the ice to my ear, the thing still hurts, doesn't feel any better. I remind myself that this is mainly to keep the swelling down and will eventually, hopefully, numb the pain.
I finally get to the house and pull up in the driveway, kiss the kids goodbye. "HOPE YOUR EAR FEELS BETTER MOMMOM", Damani pretty much yells this as she's getting out. I guess she still thinks I can't hear.
As the kids go in the front door, their dad comes outside and sees me holding the ice and napkin to my ear. "What happened to you, did somebody bust you in the side of your head or something?, he smirks.
"No, something stung me, thank you for asking." He starts to turn and walk away, I say "Wait" and as he makes it back to the van, I reach over to the passenger seat and grab some papers and hand them to him.
"What's this?" he asks. Mind you, I've already put the van in reverse and I'm backing out of the driveway. Once I get a safe distance I answer, "You've been served." He stands there in the driveway with his jaw dropped.
I couldn't resist the last parting shot. "Dang, what's wrong, did someone bust you in your JAW or something?"
Nakena then exits stage right and hauls ass up the street.
Moral of the story...Bugs are evil and so are Ex'es...
