Some stuff happened to me this past week that when I finally tell it, is going to be hilarious, at my expense. First I have to get over the sledgehammer hit named humiliation and the resulting embarassment.
I will tell you another Nature Boy story, and for a change this one didn't result in the boy getting beat-down. Everybody that was about to call CPS on me a couple weeks ago can calm the fuck down.
The girls were invited to a sleepover Friday night so after I dropped them off, it was just me and Nature Boy.
We rarely get any time alone together, so I was glad and he was glad. The plan was to go home, pop some corn and watch Twilight (he's in love with Alice).
First, I stopped at the gas station by my house. I set the little thing on the pump to do-what-it-do and settled in to watch the numbers fly by. Before I was done Nature Boy wanted a soda so we left the pump and started walking across the lot to the store.
I got to the door and noticed Nature Boy wasn't behind me. I turned around and the clown was standing in the lot, staring down a little man at the pump adjacent to mine with an absolute SCOWL on his face I have never seen the likes of.
He's never even looked at Damani like that and she's his nemesis. If he could make her disappear without any repercussion, he'd have done it as soon as she started being the one and only pain in his ass, probably around the time she turned 5.
I yell at him, "Donovan! What are you doing, come on child!"
He turns around and slowly walks towards me, bobbing from side to side as if his shoulders are weighted.
"What kinda walk is that supposed to be? Swagger? Boy you betta...."
"He was staring so I was staring back."
I didn't like that. Don't be staring at my kids, especially some perverted man. I had my ass-kicking wedges on too, he was 'bout to get some.
"He was staring at you? You sure?"
I'm looking back at dude now, scowling JUST as hard as my son was. He was just about little enough so that Nature Boy could have put the stomp on him all by himself. Dude threw on a weak, unsure smile.
"Noooo, he was staring at YOU."
"Me? Oh. Me?? Ohhhhh!" Wide eyed, surprised, I chuckled on the inside.
"Yeah. He was eyeballing you so I was eyeballing him. Like, don't be lookin' at my mama."
"Ohhh, I see. Well, I do look kinda good today baby. He couldn't help it." Really, it wasn't his fault. I was looking fabulous. A lean, mean, MILF'in machine.
Nature Boy groaned.
I opened the door and went in, Nature Boy followed.
"He was still looking at me, wasn't he? Wasn't he? "
"Yup. He better not be outside when we come out either."
"Hush boy."
I walk down the aisle to pick out my soda, shot a quick glance over my shoulder and Nature Boy comes around the corner shaking his head.
"What now?"
"The guy in the red shirt, at the register."
I look up and sure enough, dude is staring. He looks down to sign his receipt and then looks back up at me and smiles.
"Oh!" Once again, I'm surprised. Too surprised to smile back at him. He was cute too.
Nature Boy was full of himself. "I'ma take my time getting my soda so he can go on about his business. I'ma give him a chance."
Unfortunately, he didn't take enough time because by the time we'd paid and hit the exit, Red Shirt was only just getting into his truck and closing the door.
Nature Boy said, "Mean-mug. RE-ACTIVATED."
People type LOL all the time, but you wonder if they really did laugh out loud. I LOL'd at that one.
"Boy, what do you know about a Mean-mug?"
I don't want to be all cocky and say that Red Shirt was purposefully waiting around so he could catch my eye again as we were leaving, but it was over the top obvious.
I looked at him and he smiled back through the open driver's side window. Nature Boy was saying something but I didn't catch it. I smiled nervously. Then I remembered the cardinal rule, I don't flirt in front of my babies, and I don't pick up dudes at gas stations, lol. Nothing good will ever come of it.
I'll have to catch you later Red, maybe at the Bi-lo? No rule against grocery stores.
I looked away from Red Shirt and put my hand on Nature Boy's shoulder, bringing me back to reality.
"What did you say? I missed it."
Nature Boy groaned again and I thumped him in the back of the head.
"I saaaaiiiiiiiiiidddd-uhh..." I thumped him again. "...that daddy says it's my responsibility to mean-mug anybody that looks at you for too long."
"What!!?!!" That mottttherskuckerrrrr!! Ugly has gone too far this time! You just wait till I...
My thoughts were interrupted with Nature Boy's next statement. "So I was just doing my job. Only my mean-mug wasn't working so I was going to try the crazy-eye next."
Oh Lord! The kids dad has them blocking!!!! Mean mugging AND the crazy eye?? Son of a tobacco-chewin' bitch!!
So you know I had to tell Ugly all about himself for that one. We were at the kids softball game yesterday when I brought it up. He motions Nature Boy over.
"So some guys were looking at your mom yesterday, huh?"
"Yes sir."
"And you handled that right?"
"Yes sir."
"What'd you do?"
"Mean-mug. Didn't get a chance to use the crazy eye 'cause we left."
I'm at a shouting whisper... "OH MY GOD!!! Are you seriously having this conversation with my son IN FRONT OF ME?!!!?!!!! You better be glad all these nosy parents are listening to this conversation otherwise I'd call you some really bad names, REALLY BAD!!"
Ugly says, "Watch this."
He puts his fist out. "Give me some dap boy! I'm proud of you!"
I am fuming. Capital U, supersizefont. fUming!
Nature Boy laughs. "Tell her what else you said dad, about the crazy eye."
"Oh, I told him my whole theory behind the crazy eye. If a man thinks you have crazy kids, he ain't gonna want 'cha. And then even if he gets past that, he'll find out sooner or later YOU'RE crazy too, so he ain't gonna stick around long. I got this covered from all angles. All angles."
Bastard.
Then he says, "Boy, show her your crazy eye."
His theory just might be worth a dollar. I'll have to upload that picture later. Crazy ain't even the word for it.
~N
