Dear Mr. Musty Man:
You stink.Understandably, body odor as a result of a vigorous workout, run, or any other strenuous activity may be acceptable, (totally debatable depending on the amount, strength, consistency and smell of the funk, and how long it lingers) but it's acceptable only for the short length of time in between which you funk yourself and when you can either get into the shower or the nearest bathroom and wash your armpits off in the sink.
If you shower in the morning, as do millions of people, there is no need for your armpits to already be foul by the time you get to work. No reason at all. NO DAMN REASON AT ALL. If you shower at night and your wife has not yet told you that upon your awakening in the morning you are already FUNKY as hell, then she needs to be slapped for not making you wash before you leave for the day. That's a damn wifely duty, for a woman to tell her man that has no sense of smell obviously, when he isn't quite fresh enough to be around other people.Why should everybody else in the office have to suffer because you have Hyperfunkyassarmpititis? Why can't you buy one of those trial sized deodorants that they sell in the little bins at Wal-Mart? If your armpits have a mind of their own and won't listen to Dial, Ivory or frikkin Irish Spring, buy several bottles of deodorant just to have on hand. As a matter of fact, buy several FULL-sized deodorants to distribute amongst your different environments. Feel free to experiment with different scents, because anything is better than your Scent Le' Singed Nose Hair.
Keep one in your car for when your armpits start raging during the 30 minute drive from your home to work. Keep one in your desk drawer for when your armpits start polluting the section of the office that I have to work in. Keep one in your fucking POCKET so that when you are animatedly plodding your shouldn'tbesodaggummed happy ass back and forth down the aisle in which my cubicle...I mean my office happens to be located, then you can carry your happy stinkin self right into the men's room and handle your business.
Please note, having deodorant at your disposal does not negate the necessity of you washing with SOAP in the first place. Now that I just wrote that, I seriously question whether you wash AT ALL.
Understandably, people sweat when they are nervous. People sweat when they are excited. People sweat when they are doing the nasty. People sweat for a variety of different reasons, and that's why there are hundreds of different brands of deodorant to address many of those reasons. You just sweat for no damn reason at all, and you stink.I sweat like everyone else. I've even been at work and been so nervous for whatever reason, that I said to myself, "Self, you need to go to the bathroom and put them pits on lock." And on the DL, incognito, I take myself right into the bathroom and handle my business. I don't stop and conversate, I don't stop and wave, and I certainly don't zoom down the hallway leaving a dank smelling trail in my wake. See, I catch it early before it mutates into funk.
But if I smelled like YOU smell on a frikken regular basis??? I would not be prancing around waving my arms about acting like I was wearing the newest Cologne sample somebody pressed on me in the mall.Sit down! We don't need to see you, 'cause we already smell you. Sweat by itself is generally odorless. It's sweat combined with your nasty dirty ASS that causes the funk.
I feel it's my duty to let you know, you are a walking health and fire hazard. I will need to go see an ENT specialist for my nose hairs that you singed at the printer 20 minutes ago. Totally my bad though, I inhaled. Silly me... Breathing, that is... FUNK should be listed as a flammable amorphous material, because you produce enough of it to start combustible fires with all the paper here in the office. You would think the static sparks from your all too-frequent self important strides up and down the carpeted hallway, combined with your funk fumes would cause an incendiary reaction. If not that, at least a chemical cloud that would burn our skin and eat away at the lining of our nostrils and throat.Singing MY nose hairs is one thing, but people dying of suffocation because your malodorous funk particles attacked and destroyed all the oxygen in the air, THAT should be a serious offense punishable only by death or forced inhalation of bottled Paris Hilton.
Go sit your ass down and keep your arms down at your sides and your armpits contained. Better yet, go home and wash. Even Mo' Betta', don't come to work in the first place. You stink.Even Mo' Mo' betta', go see a doctor about that shit. It's obviously a problem but there is medical treatment available to you. You stink really really bad.
Shame on you Mr. Musty Man, for not being able to smell yourself, and shame on your loved ones for allowing you to walk around smelling like a bum, you bum. You stinking bum.Signed, "I happen to smell like Peaches today"
SG
, I used to get a majority of my books from the Public Library.
