May I Have an STD Test, Pretty Pretty Please?

Yesterday I went to my gynecologist for my annual physical exam.  I'd only been to this particular doctor once before, last year, and it was the first time in my life I'd ever had a female gynecologist.  After having my vagina abused for years and years by sadistic male gynecologists (It takes a special kind of man to enjoy finger-punching vaginas all day long... or does it?), I decided I'd try a female touch.  Because she was a woman and had probably had her vagina battered by male doctors before, she took great care to be very gentle with mine, which I appreciated. 

So I saw her again yesterday, and I actually arrived on time.  You'd think a gyn visit would be the one thing I'd want to arrive late for.  When the nurse initially took me to my room to take my blood pressure and go over any concerns I might have, I was frank.   I had STD tests done last year, and I really think this is something that should be done every year, so I told her that I wanted to have the whole battery of STD tests again. 

Sidebar:  The velcro on the blood pressure cuff was malfunctioning so as it got tighter and tighter, the velcro started peeling apart rather loudly.  Nurse comes back over and readjusts it.  It must not have gotten a good read the first time, so the machine reset and started taking my pressure again.  Nurse walked over whacks the machine and says, "Stupid, crappy, shitty piece of shit equipment."  After I got over my initial shock, it was all I could do to not laugh.  Unprofessional and inappropriate, but funny as hell.

Anyway, back to my request for STD tests...

"Are you worried about something in particular?" she asked in a whisper.

"No, I just want to stay on top of things and make sure I'm healthy." 

"Oh, ok.  We can test for gonorrhea and chlamydia from your pap smear." Again, the whisper.

Is the damned door not closed?  I looked.  It was.  "What about the others?  HIV, HPV, Herpes....?" I asked.  

"So you want blood tests?"  At this point, she had my chart up in front of her face, all I could see was her eyes and the whisper had dropped even lower.

I stared at her.  "Blood, pee, however you figure out if somebody has 'em or doesn't have 'em, yes." 

Duh.  But I didn't say anything else, mainly because I didn't want her to end up calling me, "stupid, crappy, shitty piece of shit patient" ...because that wouldn't have been funny at all ;)

Instead, she says, "Ok, well we can do those if you want."  

Umm, I'm asking you for them, that means I want...  Why am I beginning to feel like I'm pleading with this woman to give me tests they should be happy to give me?  Really, I have an annual every year, mammograms twice a year, why wouldn't I have STD tests done on a yearly basis as well?  Is this a request they don't normally get?  Do women not ask for these things?

Doc comes in, does my annual, we talk for a bit.  She hands me some sample birth control and bids me good day. 

"Wait, is the patient whisperer... I mean, the nurse coming back in to draw my blood?" I asked.

She give me a blank look.  I explain, "I wanted to have STD tests done...?"

"Oh!  Ok, well...", she glances at my chart, "ok, after you get dressed then head over to the lab and they'll get you all set."

I get dressed and head out the door.  Look to my right and left, see nothing but offices, no sign that says "LAB".  I walk over to the nurses station which is currently home to two patient whisperers.

"Where's the lab?" 

I get another blank look from the other nurse standing there.  My patient whisperer raises her head, "Oh!  That's right, you wanted...."  She grabs my chart, scribbles something on a piece of paper, folds it in half and whispers, "Take this, go down this hall and make a left, the lab will be on your left.  Sign in and someone will be right with you."

Good effin' grief, what does it take to get an STD test done around here?  30 minutes later, vein freshly pricked, I leave.  Just like last year, they will send me the results of the test along with the results of my pap smear in the mail as long as everything's fine.  If something's not fine, then I'll get a phone call. 

But on the way home, I'm wondering why no one asked ME if I wanted the tests done, why did I have to ask THEM? 

If it's not standard practice, it should be.  Women (and men too) need to pay closer attention to what's going on with our bodies.  I think we do a pretty good job of early detection of breast cancer with the self-checks and mammograms, etc.  However, it's just as important that we stay on top of our sexual health and well-being, don't you think?

~N