Oh Darn. I Have to Leave...

Everyone has dating dealbreakers.  Well, those of you lucky enough to have found your soul mate don't have any anymore (I hope...), but I'm pretty sure you had them back when you were single.

I recently heard a radio piece where a guy was talking about his dating dealbreakers, one of which had to do with a girls feet and whether or not they were freshly pedicured.  I had to share some of mine...

Summer Teeth: Some are yellow, some are brown, some are ochre colored, and some are almost white. This is why you should never trust a profile picture of someone who isn't smiling, you can't see their teeth. And profile pics of dicks. You can't see their teeth in those either. You also shouldn't trust profile pics of people who are wearing shades, you can't see if they're cock-eyed or not...nothing against cock-eyed people, I just don't want to date you. But I digress. Summer teeth and jacked up teeth (aka, teefs) are a deal breaker.

I went out with a guy once who I'd only spoken to through e-mail a couple of times and once by phone.  You live, you learn, eh?

His pics were taken from a distance, and he had sunglasses on. In the pic, everything seemed to check out.  He was of decent height, he had a stance of confidence and awareness.  On the phone he sounded slightly goofy, but hey, I live in NC.   Parts of NC definitely ooze goofy.  Might be something in the water.

We met for the date. 

What in the sam johnson was that in his face?

I asked him if he had any problems with the directions I gave, squinting so I could see better.  When he answered, I thought, Oh, hell no.  This man had so many teeth in his mouth I don't know how he closed his lips over them.  He had teeth in his face where he shouldn't have had teeth in his face.  There were teeth on top of teeth.  Teeth up under other teeth that were on top of more teeth, and some little toothlets under that.

Now, I ask you, how do you have that many teeth in your mouth AND a gap in the front?  How can you possibly have all those teeth in your mouth; teeth where you're not supposed to have teeth, but the one place you should have a tooth, you don't?   If that ain't a WTF? I don't know what is.

I actually think a slight gap between the front teeth is sexy on most people (male and female), but not 10-12 gaps.  Anyway, I know it's all ceramic - I mean cosmetic and not important in the grand scheme of life and a beautiful smile is in the eye of the beholder, et, yadda and cetera, HOWEVER - fuck that noise.  Summer teeth and jacked up teeth are dealbreakers.  I don't have a perfect smile, it's ok if you don't either, but it's kind of difficult to ignore what looks like chain reaction teeth implosion.

Sloppy Kissers:  I can't STAND sloppy kissers.  Ugh!  The ones where the other person has an overabundance of saliva in their mouth when they kiss you. Ugh!!  The ones where you pull apart and there's a spit string leading from their lips to yours.  UGH!!!  The ones where they stick their tongue in your mouth, wiggling it around like a worm with no purpose.  UGH!!  The ones that kiss all over your face leaving cold wet spots that you can't help but try to wipe away when they're not looking.  UGH.  And if you read one of my earlier blogs, this section is probably a repeat.  You already know how I feel about droolers. Ugh!!  Call me a prude, but I am not a fan of the excessive sharing of bodily fluids.

Dry Kissers:  Then there was another guy that I went out with. Another first and last date (I've had more of those than what's fair, dammit!).  At the end of the date, he kissed me.  It was just a dry peck on the lips, nothing to get alarmed about and/or cut him for.

I guess he figured since he got away with a peck on the lips the first time that he would maw-maw me to death with a second kiss.  I don't think so.  My lips were closed, teeth clenched, he wasn't getting in so he basically maw-maw-mawed against my lips all soap-opera-drama like.   Dude.  When he pulled back, the entire lower half of my face was chapped.  Well, damn, now I need chap-stick too.  He's lucky he didn't get punched in the face.


However, if I went around punching everybody in the face, I would ruin the whole re-telling because I'd have to digress into explanation about the time I spent in jail.  No one wants to read that.  :)

Booty Villains:  Did I give you permission to grab my ass?  If I want you to grab my ass, I'll say something like, "Dude. Your hands. My ass. Right now."  If a quick, random booty-feel is what gets you off and you're willing to risk it, go for it, but I can't promise you I won't react badly.  Truly, you're lucky if I don't punch you in the face, kick you in the nuts and then stomp on your neck when you're down.   I can promise you that you'll never see me again.







**the pic in this blog is NOT my booty, but isn't her underwear fabulous? I like...***

I know you've got some dealbreakers...  Feel free to share :)