I'm blogging this out to try and figure out if my initial interpretation of what happened was the right one. Often when I begin to write with no intended outcome, I learn stuff about me that I didn't really know. Or didn't think I knew.
Anyway, this guy made mention of going out that night with someone who wasn't really his type. I wondered out loud - well, via text- why waste your time?
In my head I'm thinking, if you already know this person doesn't do it for you, you can't find any better way to spend your time? I can think of a shitload of stuff to do with my free time rather than waste it on someone who doesn't make me moist.
His response was, "Do you think that's wrong?"
I told him that I didn't think it wrong, as long as they both enjoy each others company and as long as she knew what the deal was from the get-go (that she's not his type). I told him I thought leading her on would be wrong.
In my head I'm thinking, would she really want to hang out with him if she knew that in his eyes she was just "something to do for a couple of hours"?
Personally, I wouldn't. But who knows? Maybe to her, HE was just something to do for a couple hours. That would have been the perfect situation for both of them.
He immediately took to the defensive, as if I'd poked him with the hot truth. He said he wasn't leading her anywhere, if he was sleeping with her that would be different. He ended with, "I have a conscience, believe it or not."
I'm thinking, whooooaahhh! What just happened? Did I dare just give an honest truth when asked? I think I was supposed to answer, "Why, no, I don't think that's wrong. Spend your time leading some chick on that has no clue you're really not that into her and you're just using her to avoid having to cut your grass today. That is a-ok and perfectly fine. You kids have fun!"
First of all, you don't have to be sleeping with someone in order to lead them on. Second, did he think I was judging him? He did ask me my opinion, and I gave him the only one I could. Was I not supposed to do that? Did he think I thought he was a bad person for that? I didn't. Maybe a little selfish of him, but hey, I get selfish on occasion too, it's not a crime.
That led me to believe that (1) Chickie probably doesn't know she's just a time filler, she thinks he genuinely likes and wants to spend time with her, and (2) he knows she doesn't know, and (3) I made the mistake of being too truthful with a stranger, because it was a truth he was choosing to avoid.
FYI. Don't ask me my opinion if you expect me to be a yes-woman, a back-patter, or a candy-coater. Don't ask me my opinion if you expect to be coddled, hand-held and validated while doing something you already know is not above board.
I've got nothing for you but the truth. The truth about me, and the truth about you... or the truth about what I think about you... hell, you know what I mean, I hope. I've said it before, this is why I don't have girlfriends. They don't often like hearing what I have to say, because it's not often the truth they want to hear.
This is why the man that chooses me has to truly be comfortable with who he is and accept that, because I call it like I see it and I'm not shy about verbalizing it. Especially when you ask me to. If you don't know who you are and you ask me what I think, I'll tell you who I think you are. Whether you like it or not is not my problem.
I don't go around picking on people just giving them my unsolicited truth. I don't go to your page and look at your profile disapprovingly and then send you an e-mail advising you that you're a shithead, douchebag and/or a whore. I don't walk up to folks just roaring to fight or argue. I don't. I keep to myself, in my head, in my space, on my blog... until you ask me my opinion. Then I freely give it.
That being said... Does what I think of you stop you from earning a living? Does what I think of you keep you from sleeping at night? Paying your bills? Taking care of your kids, parents, responsibilities? Keep you from having a good time on vacation? Driving with a seat belt? Feeding the dog? Changing your oil every 3000 miles? Putting the toilet seat back down? Clearing out the remaining time on the microwave? Overall, does what I think of you keep you from doing the right thing and being a good person?
Surely, the answer to all those questions is a resounding No. In that case, why do you give a fuck what I think about you? I rate NOWHERE in your real world and have no effect on anything in your day to day, so why pay me two cents worth of attention in terms of what I think about YOU?
Figure out who you are, and it won't matter what I think or don't think.
You want to know what I think about what you think about me?
Pffft. That's my internet representation of my real world black-woman dismissive hand wave. Pffft. Get the fuck outta here with that. ANYWAY. Oh well. Like I was sayin'...
That's what I think about what you think about me. You're just an e-person to me until we are face to face and sharing some "real". Until then, you rate way low on my priority list as to what you think.
Yes. I can be judgmental. But, I'm just as hard on me as I am on anyone else. I'm hard on me first, before I'm hard on anyone else. I am not perfection. I am not without fault. I am not without flaw. But all of that's ok because I'm still fuckin' fabulous with or without your assenting opinion.
Do what you do. Do it to the best of your ability. Who you have to answer to, what you have to answer for, and when you have to answer for it is not my call, so what I think of you doesn't really matter.
Don't play truth or dare with a stranger if you're not prepared for a truth-teller.
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