The Biggest Booty Question of All Time...

I really don't have a booty fixation...it just seems that way sometimes...

What?!? Even though I make mention of booty quite often, I'm really not fascinated by booty, and if I do talk about booty, I'm mainly talking about my own booty not other people's. I think. Maybe I'm just obsessed with my own booty...but I digress...

This here blog is about other people's hindparts. I am only writing to ask everyone a simple question that arose when I was talking to my friend about his booty. Just for the record, he brought it up first, not me. Now. Back to the booty situation and the subsequent booty question...

This topic came to be while I was speaking to a friend today about how he spent last weekend, which consisted of going to a couple of clubs. He mentioned that he hates fighting through the crowded areas and you don't know if the person that's touching your a** is a man or a woman.

My response:

"Soooo, how many times DID you get felt up by an unknown perpetratOR or perpetratESS? Did your head snap around each time you felt a palm or did you play it cool and pretend like nothing happened? What's the difference between guys palming each others a** at the club and guys slapping each other's a** on the football field? What's the difference?

I know, you're asking how I went from the club to the football field with that one, and the truth is, I don't even know myself. If I knew why my brain takes the paths it does on occasion, I'd be a published member of the AMA. Since I don't and I'm not, I just blog about it.

Anyway, now I'm posing this question to you, along with some others.

1. Why is it that all the booty slapping that goes down during football season between male players is perfectly ok and acceptable, welcomed and enjoyed, but any other occasion, the male booty is off limits to a male hand?...??

Additional Questions:

2. Is the a**-pat really necessary?

3. Exactly how long is the a**-pat supposed to last? One second, two?

4. What if a player abuses a**-pat etiquette and lets his fingers linger on the other player's a** for an additional second? Then what? Is that a violation of unspoken a**-pat rules & regs?

5. Why does no one ever pat the referee's a**?

6. If a player did pat the ref's a**, would the ref throw down the cute little yellow flag, or do the bylaws of "man"kind require an acknowledgment by a return a**-pat and an authoritative head nod?

7. If I was watching from the sidelines and I saw a blatant a**-pat turned grab/knead/rub/squeeze, could I scream "Flag on the Plaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!"

I've never understood the tradition, so someone please explain it to me. I do understand about camaraderie, encouragement, and all that nonsense, but can't you be just as encouraging with a kind word? "Go Team", or "Nice tackle, man", or even a simple pat on the BACK?

I'm not trying to assault anyone's manhood, although that would be great fun, I just want to understand.

Thanks in advance for your a**-istance.