Less Than Impressive Ejaculation?

So your nasty little jizzpoles aren't up to par, eh? Tired of the same old boring orgasm?

Never fear. I am here. Spermatical expert to your rescue. Or, uhhh....maybe not.

Errr,ok. This is what you do. Instead of trying to get your eensie weensie shalacked every night, try abstaining for awhile. Yes, abstinence. Build up some anticipation, some ardor. Let 'em simmer a bit. Wait.

That means, do not stick your winky into ANY hole, living, dead, plastic or otherwise manufactured by your fingers, for a period of 6 months. Ok, so that's not very realistic for those that are ruled by their penises. For you, 3 weeks.

"Do not stick your winky into ANY hole, living, dead, plastic or otherwise manufactured by your fingers" means: (The suggestions below all center around e-jack-alating less often.)

• No fucking the family cat. It's a pussy cat, never to be substituted for an actual pussy.

• No Vaseline on your penis. Vaseline was intended for elbows, knees and anything else ashy. If your willy is ashy, you've got issues that masturbation will not resolve.
  
  
• No fucking the family dog. Arf! means Arf!
  
  
• No $5 ho's. Sure, they're everywhere. Must not succumb, they carry diseases.
  
  
• No strip clubs. A lapdance isn't going to do anything but get your little pecker all excited and your pockets emptied.
  
  
• No fucking the goat in your backyard. Nasty Baaaaaastard.
  
  
• No Red Bull. Sure it gives you wings, but the extra energy may work against you.
  
  
• No Nip/Tuck. Christian gets his groove on entirely too much.
  
  
• No fucking the blowup doll you've christened "Soozie" because she oozes…
  
  
• No Jergens sitting by your webcam. Way too tempting.
  
  
• No eyeballing the family gerbil wondering if....
  
  
• No ass patting on the football field.
  
  
• No fucking the family gerbil. Why does the Caged Gerbil cower? Because his fine gerbil senses picked up on the lust in the air.
  
  
• No 24. Jack Bauer turns everybody on, male & female alike. Best not tempt yourself.
  
  
• No Playboy. Sure, the articles are fun to read and educational. Sure...
  
  
• No Black Tail Magazine. Man can't always have his fantasy. (Seriously, we know...)
  
  
• No Time Magazine.
  
  
• No phone sex. What is she wearing? She's wearing a turtleneck and granny panties. Move hand away from the wiener.
  
  
• No fucking your neigbor. You know you don't need no damn "Cup o' sugar."
  
  
• No "inconspicuous" adjustments to your nuts every 5 seconds.
  
  
• No $500 ho's. Although more expensive, they carry the same diseases as their $5 counterparts.
  
  
• No Isley Brothers or Robert Kelly.
  
  
• No Viagra. Get ahold of some knock-off shit and see what happens.
  
  
• No Cialis. i.e the aforementioned "knock-off shit".
  
  
• No dry-humping your pillow, couch cushion or mailman's leg.
  
  
• No Buffie the Body.
  
  
• No Cinemax.
  
  
• No attempts to suck your own penis. If you resort to this, then you're not able to be helped.
  
  
• No attempts to suck anyone else's penis. Things happen during times of desperation, please don't let this act be one of them.
  
  
• No late night "call me, I'm hot" commercials.
  
  
• No Penis Pumps or Paraphranalia.
  
  
• No Porn.
  
  
• No Al-kee-holl. Spirits tend to loosen zippers and peckers.

Those are just some of my suggestions as to how to increase your sperm count and have stronger orgasms.

Now, all you guys, don't start slinging semen at me. I'm just sayin'...