I Hate 'Em, Hate 'Em, Hate 'Em!!

Management at Crapshinola Villages, where I live, has decided to renovate the entire complex. It's about darn time, and long overdue! So I was excited for a minute, even though I'm about to move shortly.

Well, I was excited, didn't mind all the hammering and bumping and contractors peeping between my raggedy blinds until I saw this on my ceiling last night....

Imagine sitting there, typing on your little laptop, minding your own damn business, and something, that little voice you ignore half the time, just tells you to look up. You look up and see this f***** on the ceiling above your head.

W...T...F!!??!!??!?!?!?!?

So I'm scrambling, trying to figure out what this thing is, what it's going to do to me if it falls on me, if it doesn't fall on me but lands in my bed, how the heck am I going to find it because the bed is messy, etc...etc...

*Lightbulb* (and it's flashing too!)

"Dooonooooooooovaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!"

He comes running into the room.

"Donovan! Kill that bug!" (Wattage dims a little after that...) Donovan cranes his neck, looks at the bug and then looks back at me and says nothing. Classic. He has that "Are you kiddin me?" look on his face that he learned from moi. I'm actually proud, he's got it down pat....

...back to the creature on my ceiling...in case you forgot what it looks like...here is another picture from...Wikipedia this time, I think.,

You just said WTF! didn't you? I know you did.

Anyhow, Damaris comes into the room and starts screeching, rubbing her arms, and running in place (that's my kid), she's got her best "that's so grody" face on. Again, compliments of Mama QT.

The calm one, Damani, comes in to see what's going on and all she says is "Eeew, want me to get the bug spray?"

Now I see lightbulb's over Donovan and Damaris' head as well, we're ALL clued in now. We're gonna drown this sucker (and therefore our own lungs as well) with Raid ANT KILLER!! (It's all I had ).

I send Damani on her mission while me and the other kids gaurd the interloper who by now has gotten very twitchy with the antennae.

"Oh, crap, he's about to run! Donovan don't you repeat that word! Daaaaaaamaaaaaannnnnniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, HURRY UPPPPP!"

I hear her knocking over everything under the kitchen sink in the desperate hunt for Ant spray. She huffs back into my bedroom and hands it to me.

Ok...now what to do? The THING is right on the ceiling over my bed.

1. If I spray it where it is, I'm going to have Ant spray all over my bed. Not happening.
2. I can't reach it to squish it with a shoe, I would have to get the stool and put it on the bed, balance it enough to stand on which would then put me up too high and I'd have to hunch over, all the while being way too close to the nasty beast which could then use the opportunity to shoot nasty beast venom into my eyes or whatever it is that they do.
3. I could reach for an envelope from the stack of bank statements which I never open and use it to "flick" the creature from the ceiling to....ok, scrap that, nowhere to flick it but onto the kids, and they saw it comin, they'd all moved to the doorway by then. They know me.

TWO LIGHTBULBS!!

I decide to turn the ceiling fan on, maybe the breeze would cause the little shit to scurry away to a point that is not directly over my bed. I stand up slowly, in case sudden moves make it go into attack mode and reach up and pull the cord three times for High mode.

It works! The little nasty antennae are working like mad and the filthy varmint decides to relocate. Damaris starts screeching again.

This f***** is FAST. "Shhhhhh!!!! Maris! I need to concentrate!!!"

The thing hightails it all the way down to the other end of the ceiling, just at the end of my sleigh bed, near the far upper-right corner of the window.

Ok, now we tawlkin. I breathe a little easier. Now if I spray it, at least it won't be right over my bed. Kewl beeeens.

I tell the kids to go into the living room since my daughter has asthma, climbed back in the bed and "creep-walked" over as close as I felt was safe. Stood up straight and then let loose on that motherf***** with everything that was left in that can. I sprayed for a full 30 seconds at the very least. The thing drops to the carpet and amazingly is still quite fast, scurrying, trying to get the hell up outta Crapshinolaville. I'm straight stalking, watching it now crawl across the carpet a little more slowly, but still faster than I would like. "Yeah b****, you picked the wrong apartment to come up in today, b****, what?, what?" I'm bucking up at the thing like it's as big as I am, and I hear my son laughing hysterically at me because the bug made it all the way to the doorway so the kids could witness it's demise as well as my "Don't f*** wit me, I'm a Killa" dance.

So now it's dead. At least I think it is, it's still twitching a bit, but I think that's natural. It's either dead, or really high.

I don't want to touch it. I look at Donovan. He says, "No way mommom, no...way..."

"Well, go get me a napkin then, jeez."

He comes back with a paper towel, and I realize how thin one paper towel really is. I didn't buy Scott's last time, bought the Southern Comfort brand. (Southern Comfort = Cheap ass paper towel)

"Uhh, go get me another please. Matter of fact, bring me two."

He comes back with them and I fold them up nice and neatly into a square big enough that I don't see the creature get squished when I pick it up. Squishing is my final assurance that it's dead, just like any other bug. "Just 'cause I haven't seen the likes of you before doesn't mean you get special treatment, you nasty...." Cut myself off, kids are still standing there.

So I pick it up and squish it, "Squish"...I can just imagine the million legs breaking apart like filament and mixing in with it's gooshy, nasty insides.

Donovan: "Yuk."
Damani: "Eeew."
Damaris: "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!"

They all then followed me to the trash can where I unceremoniously stuffed the nasty, squished-vermin laden paper towel into a used ziploc bag already in the trash. Just in case he decided to resurrect himself, I had it covered. **I notice how I associated "squished-vermin" with "he", completely unintentional. Promise.**

I did some research today and found out that the nasty ass, now dead bug that taunted me from my ceiling is called a House Centipede.

What's really crappy is that if there are more of them and they decide not to traipse around on my ceiling, they will blend right in to my carpet because of their color. The crappiest of crappy things is that apparently they feed on bedbugs, termites, cockroaches, silverfish and spiders. That means, that as LONG and as FAT and as GOOSHY-JUICY as this bug was before I SQUISHED it, I must have one, all or any combination of the above vermin in my apartment. But, WTF?? It won't eat Ants??? As nasty as that thing looks, it won't eat ants?? Ugly, nasty, goodfernuthin Uggghhh!

And it's supposed to be a helpful housepest? I think friggin NOT.

And just so you sleep well tonight, one more for the road, just don't think of bug-guts.......